The Unethical Slut, Act II

That wasn’t the first time I was propositioned for an affair. The conservations were always the same. Dissatisfied with their sex lives and unable to find solutions, these men ignored the boundaries set by their partners and sought comfort without consent. They wanted to be cheaters.

They would use any and every excuse: She wouldn’t approve anyway; it would hurt her feelings if I asked; I would lose her if I brought it up; she just wouldn’t understand. For some, these make the forlorn call of a sad lonely man whose partner doesn’t understand him. I hear a selfish person who has poor communication skills, poor self-knowledge, and trust issues. For some, these would make the perfect guy to fix up. For me, these are all dealbreakers.

Cheaters are selfish, obviously, because they act without regard for their partners’ happiness, but I think maybe I am selfish, too. Maybe I’m selfish for wanting a week without men asking if slutty me would fuck them behind their partners’ backs. Maybe I’m selfish for telling people to negotiate for the sex they want. Maybe I’m selfish for believing a society that values communication over exclusivity in relationships would have happier, more confident people with better sex lives. Those desires are all selfish because realized, they would mean I deal with fewer men who want to cheat on their partners, but somehow I can’t imagine why fewer cheaters would be a terrible thing.

The Unethical Slut

HE: I just moved to Boston, and I am definitely ready to see what the city has to offer. And to do that with someone as sexy as yourself would be ideal!

ME: Does your wife know about this?

HE: No. It's complicated. I hope it's not a dealbreaker.

ME: It is a dealbreaker. I'm not interested in situations where one's partner has not consented.

HE: Okay. Would you consider accompanying me to a swinger party?

ME: ... no.

Self-Doubt

ME: I'm not sure if I'm really kinky.

HE: You are kinky. Trust me. This is like that time when you thought you would give up sex.

ME: That's right! And four days later, we had sex!

HE: For five hours.

Partying it up with dirty magnetic poetry.

Exploratory Study Finds Over Half Of Self-Reported Multi-Person Sex Experiences Among Adolescent Women To Be Coerced »

Recently published in the Journal of Urban Health: Bulletin of the New York Academy of Medicine is an article discussing disturbing statistics for multi-person sex (MPS) among adolescent women in Greater Boston. From EurekAlert:

Emily Rothman, associate professor of community health sciences at BUSPH, and colleagues surveyed 328 females who had utilized a Boston-area community or school-based health clinic, to explore whether they had ever had sex with multiple partners — either consensual or forced. The authors call this sexual experience “multi-person sex,” or MPS, in order to underscore that it refers to any group sex experience on a continuum from gang rape to sex parties.

Of the 7.3 percent who said they had group sex, more than half reported being pressured to engage in the group-sex situation. Forty-five percent reported a lack of condom use by a male participant during the most recent group-sex encounter. Participants with MPS experience also were more likely to report cigarette smoking, dating violence victimization, or ever being diagnosed with a sexually transmitted disease, the study found.

In addition, those who had seen pornography in the past month were approximately five times as likely as those who had not seen pornography to report ever having had a group-sex experience.

In addition to the listed, MPS is also associated with sexual initiation prior to the age of 15 and childhood sexual abuse victimization, but the relationship between these factors and MPS is unclear. With such a limited sample, not much can be concretely deduced from the data. Any amount of non-consensual sex, however, is too much. Further research is needed to determine exact prevalence and among whom, but education on active consent—for any form of sex—needs to and can happen today.

The mainstream media mostly caught onto catchphrases such as “group sex” or “disturbing teen trend”. Tracy Clark-Flory at Salon already noted the misleading and panicked headlines. While she rightly criticizes her colleagues for sensationalizing this news, she is incorrect in making light of coerced sex and rape. Even though the absolute numbers are small, there still are adolescent women being raped. It is just as irresponsible to minimize as it is to sensationalize important issues. Rape is not just a cause for hand-wringing but also a call to action.

The best attitude is that taken by Dr. Rothman and Joanne Patterson, director of prevention and education programs at REACH, in their interview on Radio Boston. Both express concern, not about MPS itself but about the risks associated with sexual activity and what can be done to prevent non-consensual MPS. There are increased health risks with MPS, but just as with two-person sex, MPS can be enjoyable and safe with active consent and safety plans. There are still many questions to be answered about who is most at risk and how best to educate, but there is no question that preventative measures against rape need to be taken.

Fancies

HE: You walked in and dropped your panties within 60 seconds of entering my apartment.

ME: Damn. Really? I usually take at least 5 minutes to comment on the decor first.

HE: No, seriously, you were slipping them off AS you commented on the decor.

Coquette Et Froide

HE: Done anything nasty recently? Well, nasty out-of-character?

ME: Just nasty in character. Y'know, the kinky sex and the threesomes.

HE: Same old, same old.

ME: I'll let you know when I fall madly in love and devote myself to one person. THAT will be a headline.

As much as we would like to believe that the [BDSM] scene is a problem-free sexual utopia, it still suffers from many of the problems that mainstream society does. Straight male sexuality is prioritized, and thus straight male doms are the prevailing players in the scene. Straight male doms have no use for male subs, yet they still like female doms—they like us because we bring a certain energy to the scene and are fun to talk to and be around and because they hope that maybe we’ll co-top their girls with them and that they might be able to get into our pants.

So my sexuality is something that people in the scene can appreciate and sort of see the value in from afar. But the object of that sexuality is not accepted in the scene. While male subs are not seen as potential objects of desire, female doms are seen only as objects of desire.

[…]

These het-male-doms who make up the mainstream of the subculture that we inhabit? I think they like me and respect me and think I’m hot, but I don’t know if they think my sexuality is valid.

[…]

There is a lot of male submissive-shaming in the public scene. You’ll hear it all the time. “Male subs are creepy,” “male subs spoil the atmosphere, so we don’t want to encourage them.” And while I have indeed encountered many male submissives who have acted in inappropriate ways, I have one question to ask: why do you suppose that male subs like maymay who do respect boundaries don’t feel welcome in the scene? It’s not because they are making male submission look bad, it’s because you are equating male submission with badness.

Addendum: Prostitution Is Not A True Choice But It Should Be »

In reference to my acquaintance’s quote about his feelings on prostitution, I did not mean to imply that either he or I thought that it was an industry without any issues, since sex trafficking is still alive and well and the profession comes with many risks to mind and body. Prostitution is an industry that exploits the abused and unfortunate for further maltreatment. With this reality, yes, I do have a problem with prostitution.

I do not, however, have a problem with the ideal world where prostitution is safe, legal, regulated, and where people choose the profession freely. I also do not believe that the problems with prostitution today imply that there cannot be a world where this ideal is realized. This sentiment is perhaps better said by Nils Johan Ringdal in his book, Love For Sale: A World History Of Prostitution:

Nobody has the right to sex, either unpaid or in exchange for payment: If nobody wants to sell sex, it is a crime to force anyone to do so. But when men or women do want to sell their bodies, they should have that full right without encountering punishment or discrimination.